Daring to be the side character
Thoughts of a rainy day: Let’s all step aside and enjoy life.
It is 7.30am. That’s early for me. Really early.
I am not a morning person. While I don’t mind waking up early, I am not a pleasant person to be around before coffee. I already drank my coffee. I already showered, got dressed, and went through my morning skincare routine. All of this usually starts at 7.30am, but today I was done by that time.
I woke up restless today, uneasy. I felt like writing but didn’t know what to write about. So I started to write about whatever came to my mind. You sure notice your surroundings in terrifying detail when the only distraction is a blank page and a blinking cursor. I notice the little spiderweb in the corner of my office, this pesky corner that no vacuum seems to reach unless you perform some contortionist move.
I love my office. This small, almost completely square room with its sloped ceiling, sage green walls, and lots of plants is my little safe haven. While I love all of the rooms in my house, the office and the garden are my two favorite places.
Maybe they are because I never had them before.
I can hear the rain hitting my window. It has been raining for weeks now. “Germany’s wettest summer in 100 years”, says the news. Sure feels like it. All my summer flowers drowned and I haven’t been able to sit outside in my new garden as I planned this summer. I imagined the smell of sun lotion, a good book, and an Aperol Spritz in the sun. Instead, we lit the fireplace last night.
Writing in the rain sure feels dramatic. Like I am the main character in this movie called life. My life.
Right now I have no idea what I am doing with it. This life.
Somehow I feel lost and like I have arrived at the same time. I am used to chaos, drama, and plot twists. But there are none. No negativity, nothing bad. No drama, no chaos, no plot twists.
My life is quiet. I am not used to that.
But my brain doesn’t feel quiet. It feels as cloudy as the sky outside and tired, but also full of thoughts. So many thoughts. Thousands of them keep swirling around, all at once, bouncing into each other, exploding and imploding, creating new thoughts that I am unable to grasp.
I feel like creating, without any idea what to create. I feel like writing, but instead of writing about something specific, I am writing this to figure out what I want to create and write about.
Maybe it is the near constant cover of clouds and rain that has put me in such a gloomy and restless mood. Am I gloomy? Am I restless? The main character who is writing in the rain is always feeling gloomy and restless. But no, I am calm. What felt like chaos in my head is just like the raindrops on my window that slowly find their way. Like that, I am letting the thoughts come and go, no judgment, no fear. No drama. My life is peaceful, uneventful, and not main character energy.
My life has side character energy.
The side character who doesn’t fuel the drama of the story and isn’t responsible for any plot twists. I am the side character that happily exists in this movie called life. The constant every movie needs. The happy server at the diner, or the lovely neighbor saying hello while pruning her roses. The side character who has a smile on her face, who is content with life.
And while every avid movie lover knows that this type of side character has the most interesting backstory that would be worth its own movie, we also know that not every story needs to be lived on the main stage.
In reality, the best stories happen behind the curtain and are just as bright as the spotlight.
I don’t need to create the most exciting life, one with tons of twists and turns. I want to live a quiet and calm life, one with stability and sureness.
And now that I am here, I have no idea what to do next.
But maybe there is nothing to do next, just to experience and live? After working my way out of Acts One and Two, crashing in Act Three, and surviving the fall of Act Four,
maybe this is now Act Five: The Happy End.
Thinking that thought feels dangerous. Writing it down feels like I am conjuring up dark omens. How dare I be happy and content. Am I allowed to be? Aren’t we supposed to be constantly evolving, striving for better, for more, working towards something?
What if I am happy with where I am at? Am I allowed to stay?
Am I allowing myself to stay? Stay in this final Act, this happy end? Or will I constantly wish that this movie called life will turn into a show? Wishing for season two, with a new storyline, one with another dramatic Act Three?
I don’t want a season two, I don’t want to survive another Act Three. I want to enjoy Act Five. The happy end. But am I allowed to love the life I have right now and simply want it to stay as is? Am I allowed to stay stagnant?
The answer seems easy, saying it however seems wrong: Yes! I am allowed to stay stagnant. I am allowed to enjoy my life without working towards anything. I am allowed, we are allowed, to stay where we are.
We are allowed to strive for side character energy.
In a world functioning on the premise of constant growth, we too feel the need to grow and are constantly trying to improve all aspects of ourselves. We are trying to perfect our routines, tick off our to-do lists, and heal our inner child.
At its core, there is nothing wrong with that. By definition, having main character energy is describing someone who puts their own needs first and who takes control of their narrative. All good.
The problem is: we never seem to actually reach the goal we set for ourselves. The bar of perfection is constantly moving up. We are never fully healed, we will never tick off all of our tasks, and we will never find a perfect routine. Why? Well, because life!1
And by constantly putting our own needs first, by constantly working towards a better self, we tend to become really selfish. Because when you are the main character, everything affects your narrative. It is all about you.2
I lost sight of anything other than the conclusion of my narrative, and drifted towards a pitfall of main characterism: self-absorption.
I begin to wonder how I got to this point. How did writing about the rain (still raining btw) and declaring my love to my little office turn into an essay about side character energy and the distaste for constant growth?
It certainly shows how “writing it out” can lead to many “aha moments”. The more I think about my growth over the past few years (oh, the irony), the more I notice that the most significant and sustainable kind of growth happened unplanned.
I didn’t work towards my growth. It happened because life happened. And that seems to be the irony of it all: We grow more by simply letting it happen. By letting go and stepping aside. Embracing your mind’s chaos and allowing yourself to just live through the narrative instead of controlling it, is what helps you grow so much more than always aiming for perfection.
And that will result in the best thing ever: you are actually living your life.
This started as a blank page and no thoughts. I felt like writing but had no idea what to write about. With the exception of a few grammar mistakes and typos, this is the almost unedited first draft of working through my restless feelings that rainy Wednesday morning.
What started out as a journal entry and almost reads like a love letter to life, ended up being an essay about letting life happen and enjoying the mess rather than trying to control it.
The first half feels weird to publish, almost arrogant. Who writes about how much they enjoy their life? But then I thought, that sharing it would feel like helping a stranger. Like a smile that lets you know that you are allowed to enjoy your life too.
I hope I am that stranger today.
XOXO
Annika
”Is the ‘What about me?’ effect lurking behind your main character energy” is a great article in the Independent that explains how main character energy can quickly turn into main character syndrom.
The way that I completely relate is like I’m reading my mind only that I cannot articulate like you do. This is beautiful. ❤️
Such a wonderful piece to read! I wish I could share every sentence! (and maybe I will)