Congratulations on your pregnancy! This is so well written. I've noticed this so much lately and have been doing my best to walk the fine line of being honest, sharing joy, and also accepting that being a mom can be hard! But you're right...there's so much negativity that gets clicks. And if it's not negativity, then it's advice. And if it's not advice, then it's the perfect trad wife tradition. It really is maddening, and confusing, and hard.
I actually went off social media when I had my first kid for nearly four years. I, like you, had struggled with social media already, and becoming a mom was putting even more pressure on. It was one of the best decisions I made. I'm slowly reintroducing myself to it and working extremely hard to hold to my own opinions and represent my experience accurately: the good AND bad.
Thanks for writing this! It really got my head working hahaha.
Thank you for this lovely comment and it is glad to read that I am not alone in my aversion to social media during pregnancy and motherhood! I might come back to it, but right now I am not even feeling like I am missing anything. 🧡
You definitely aren't missing anything. It actually helped me find my real friends, too, vs friends of convenience. Sad, but true. I'm closer to those who stuck with me and sent personal updates when I wasn't online to read the ones that go to everyone. ❤️
Thank you for this! It wasn't until recently that I realized how much my view of motherhood was clouded by all the horrible stories I read online. It was all black and white and nothing in between, and I felt like if I made the wrong decision, it would ruin my whole life.
It has become so easy to complain online and get praise for it. I appreciate honest experiences - the good and the bad - but at some point it all became a jumble of negativity with little to take away. It’s important to take a step back from all the noise and focus on yourself, your thoughts and intuition. At the end of the day it is your life and you have to find a way to live with your decision.
"It has become so easy to complain online and get praise for it" is the truest sentence I've read in a while. And it didn't used to be this way, people who complain all the time were usually considered annoying, now they literally get paid for it.
Great article! And you're right, there IS a PR problem and mothers talk about motherhood all the time (the good and the bad). I don't doubt they love their kids (I am lucky to have a decent social network) but it's hard to know when a friend wants to vent, or when they need an insider perspective from another mother. I often wonder if they're still my friend, or if they are not the same person at all after they have their babies
When I look around my group of friends and their friends who have become mothers I often feel there are two types of mothers: the ones who made sure to stay true to their (old) selves and the ones who made being a mother their whole identity. And the second group seem to be the ones who make the PR problem even worse.
This is just an observation of mine and there will be mothers out there who don't fit into either of this group, but from what I have experienced so far this has never failed me once.
I echo your thoughts about how social media plays a major role in amplifying the stress surrounding pregnancy and motherhood. During the time when my wife was trying to get pregnant, she was constantly bombarded by Instagram ads saying "do this" or "don't do this" in order to get pregnant, which just caused more self-doubt and anxiety. I encouraged her to limit her social media usage to protect her mental health. Art aimed at stoking outrage and anxiety will always get the most attention, unfortunately, and for this reason I no longer use Facebook and I have never used Instagram. My wife and I both benefited a lot from reading books about pregnancy and parenting, especially those written by Emily Oster. On an unrelated note, your comments about the lack of a US social safety net is absolutely correct, and I hadn't thought about how this could influence even the global discourse on parenting. I am "lucky" to have 12 weeks of paternity leave as a federal employee, which is definitely NOT the norm across the country. More and more states are passing parental leave laws, which is great, but we are regrettably far, far away from getting a universal program like what you have in Europe. And the note about pelvic floor therapy is also telling. US health insurance companies do NOT cover this as a general rule, and my wife is considering paying $800 for this service here. That's great that you get it covered in Germany.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, how exciting!!!! I noticed a few years ago how negative and toxic the motherhood space felt online (I’m not even a mother and still it infiltrated my algorithm! Negativity really does get clicks…)
However, it made me think back to being on social media at university. There were loooots of people that posted complaining memes or messages and lived in a negative headspace about school being hell. But I never felt that. Sure, I had tough days and difficult classes, but overall I loved my experience and surrounded myself with others who felt the same.
So my take is the same as yours — our own experiences are far more nuanced and not as black and white as portrayed online. I feel like getting offline will be SO much better for you in this motherhood journey, where you can really focus on you, your family, and your village. I know you won’t, but please dont ever waste your time complaining online and attacking other women if they don’t feel the same as you. There’s so much more to experience out there, including soaking up memories with your baby! ❤️
Thank you 🧡 And it was the same for me, I got the pregnancy and mom-content way before getting pregnant. I sometimes think that if the algorithm realizes that you are a woman of a certain age this content is pushed on you regardless.
And yes, I will stay offline for as long as I can. The real-life noise that I get from complete strangers is already enough to be honest. I don't want to test it out how much the social-media stuff will be to deal with on top of that.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! This is so well written. I've noticed this so much lately and have been doing my best to walk the fine line of being honest, sharing joy, and also accepting that being a mom can be hard! But you're right...there's so much negativity that gets clicks. And if it's not negativity, then it's advice. And if it's not advice, then it's the perfect trad wife tradition. It really is maddening, and confusing, and hard.
I actually went off social media when I had my first kid for nearly four years. I, like you, had struggled with social media already, and becoming a mom was putting even more pressure on. It was one of the best decisions I made. I'm slowly reintroducing myself to it and working extremely hard to hold to my own opinions and represent my experience accurately: the good AND bad.
Thanks for writing this! It really got my head working hahaha.
Thank you for this lovely comment and it is glad to read that I am not alone in my aversion to social media during pregnancy and motherhood! I might come back to it, but right now I am not even feeling like I am missing anything. 🧡
You definitely aren't missing anything. It actually helped me find my real friends, too, vs friends of convenience. Sad, but true. I'm closer to those who stuck with me and sent personal updates when I wasn't online to read the ones that go to everyone. ❤️
There is only one rule to parenthood: Don’t Google with a Kugel :) Congrats on your pregnancy!
This should be everywhere! Love it, thank you!
Really fantastic and nuanced read. Loved every word. And congratulations on your pregnancy! ❤️
Thank you Ciara 🧡
Beautiful read. As someone who started another social media account solely for my "motherhood," it's crazy how much content I DON'T want on my feed.
Oh, I would love to snoop around your feed just for entertainment purposes only! I can only imagine what crazy content you see on there.
Thank you for this! It wasn't until recently that I realized how much my view of motherhood was clouded by all the horrible stories I read online. It was all black and white and nothing in between, and I felt like if I made the wrong decision, it would ruin my whole life.
It has become so easy to complain online and get praise for it. I appreciate honest experiences - the good and the bad - but at some point it all became a jumble of negativity with little to take away. It’s important to take a step back from all the noise and focus on yourself, your thoughts and intuition. At the end of the day it is your life and you have to find a way to live with your decision.
"It has become so easy to complain online and get praise for it" is the truest sentence I've read in a while. And it didn't used to be this way, people who complain all the time were usually considered annoying, now they literally get paid for it.
Great article! And you're right, there IS a PR problem and mothers talk about motherhood all the time (the good and the bad). I don't doubt they love their kids (I am lucky to have a decent social network) but it's hard to know when a friend wants to vent, or when they need an insider perspective from another mother. I often wonder if they're still my friend, or if they are not the same person at all after they have their babies
When I look around my group of friends and their friends who have become mothers I often feel there are two types of mothers: the ones who made sure to stay true to their (old) selves and the ones who made being a mother their whole identity. And the second group seem to be the ones who make the PR problem even worse.
This is just an observation of mine and there will be mothers out there who don't fit into either of this group, but from what I have experienced so far this has never failed me once.
I echo your thoughts about how social media plays a major role in amplifying the stress surrounding pregnancy and motherhood. During the time when my wife was trying to get pregnant, she was constantly bombarded by Instagram ads saying "do this" or "don't do this" in order to get pregnant, which just caused more self-doubt and anxiety. I encouraged her to limit her social media usage to protect her mental health. Art aimed at stoking outrage and anxiety will always get the most attention, unfortunately, and for this reason I no longer use Facebook and I have never used Instagram. My wife and I both benefited a lot from reading books about pregnancy and parenting, especially those written by Emily Oster. On an unrelated note, your comments about the lack of a US social safety net is absolutely correct, and I hadn't thought about how this could influence even the global discourse on parenting. I am "lucky" to have 12 weeks of paternity leave as a federal employee, which is definitely NOT the norm across the country. More and more states are passing parental leave laws, which is great, but we are regrettably far, far away from getting a universal program like what you have in Europe. And the note about pelvic floor therapy is also telling. US health insurance companies do NOT cover this as a general rule, and my wife is considering paying $800 for this service here. That's great that you get it covered in Germany.
Thank you for your comment and sharing the experience you and your wife had. I totally feel for her and can relate so much. 🧡
Congratulations on your pregnancy, how exciting!!!! I noticed a few years ago how negative and toxic the motherhood space felt online (I’m not even a mother and still it infiltrated my algorithm! Negativity really does get clicks…)
However, it made me think back to being on social media at university. There were loooots of people that posted complaining memes or messages and lived in a negative headspace about school being hell. But I never felt that. Sure, I had tough days and difficult classes, but overall I loved my experience and surrounded myself with others who felt the same.
So my take is the same as yours — our own experiences are far more nuanced and not as black and white as portrayed online. I feel like getting offline will be SO much better for you in this motherhood journey, where you can really focus on you, your family, and your village. I know you won’t, but please dont ever waste your time complaining online and attacking other women if they don’t feel the same as you. There’s so much more to experience out there, including soaking up memories with your baby! ❤️
Thank you 🧡 And it was the same for me, I got the pregnancy and mom-content way before getting pregnant. I sometimes think that if the algorithm realizes that you are a woman of a certain age this content is pushed on you regardless.
And yes, I will stay offline for as long as I can. The real-life noise that I get from complete strangers is already enough to be honest. I don't want to test it out how much the social-media stuff will be to deal with on top of that.